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  • #9638
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My husband died on march 15, 2012. He was only 35. To this day the docs are still not sure why he died. My husband was never sick. I miss him do very much. We never had children. I find that I miss him more everyday.

    #9641
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m so sorry Cindy. Your husband was way too young and it sounds like you had no time to prepare as he wasn’t sick. Let yourself grieve and don’t try to rush it as it is an important part of your personal grief journey.

    We carry our memories and loss with us until the day we die. Over time we learn to live with it and find some peace and happiness. The time it takes depends on each widows personal journey. I personal took a couple of years before I found other widows and was able to learn from them.

    Try to find a support group in your area or some widows that will share their journeys with you. It helps to talk with those that have already traveled the grief path that you are on.

    Take care and hold on. Mary Francis

    #9642
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Just would like to ask this question. Where does one go, when you are +50 to get back into the dating scene. I’m really struggling with this. I hope I’m on the right page to ask this question.
    Thanks
    Linda

    #9644
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Linda,
    I’m 54 and newly widowed myself and although not ready for this, have wondered about this too. And I am by no means an expert on this. But here is my two cents as I have thought about it to some extent.
    Be aware that propinquity (someone who is “nearby”) plays a role in developing relationships. (Wiki: Propinquity can mean physical proximity, a kinship between people, or a similarity in nature between things (“like-attracts-like”). The propinquity effect is the tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often).
    A widower friend of mine joined some kind of online widow/widower group (there seem to be lots out there) and found his new love there, now re-married about 5 years after his first wife’s death.
    Meeting new people in a safe environment is key for me. I am a member of a couple of community groups and professional organizations so I see a lot of people regularly; the recent change in my status may see some changes in how others relate to me; don’t know that for a fact, just guessing. Am contemplating, when the time is right, to let everyone know that I am looking for some male companionship to do things with. I expect some of that will occur naturally as well, as my friends, colleagues and associates start to realize who they know and try to matchmake.
    You can also meet guys “the old fashioned way” – in bars! as the old movie line has it.
    I’m ambivalent about this method because there are too many unknowns. Personal referrals would be my preference.
    The key will be to be confident in yourself as a person and a woman and join in with activities and groups that you are already familiar with. Less easy is to join new groups but people do do that, just requires more oomph and determination.
    And learn to flirt again, if you lost it. Google it, to find info that you can use.
    Good luck! We all need it! I’m rooting for you!

    #9645
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi I’m new here too. I lost my husband it will be 10 yrs in September he had just turned 46, he died of Colon Cancer. We had been on an Alaska cruise for our 26th Wedding Anniversary it was Sept 15th 2001, we didn’t even know if out ship would be leaving port because 9/11 had only happened 4 days prior and many cruises were canceled but because we were only going just inside the Alaskan border from B.C. Ours was ok to go. But I never thought this would be our last trip ever as he hadn’t had any symptoms, that we knew of anyway, because he was diabetic and didn’t manage it very well so had some health issues regarding that. Anyway 2 months later he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer & it had spread to his liver and that wasn’t good. He died 10 months after being diagnosed & the day before our 27th Wedding Anniversary. I had no idea what I was going to do without him. And down the road a couple of years I had those same concerns as you Linda. How do you start all over again? My Husband had said to me, you are still young and I want you to have a life again. I knew what he meant but I cried out to him that I didn’t want an other life I wanted this one, with him. As time went on after he had passed away. I thought to myself how do you start over, He was my first love and we had known each other and been together since I was 17 & he was 18, he was all I had known as far as a serious relationship. How did I start the dating scene again? We didn’t even have computers when I was last dating lol. It scared me silly, I also thought about how I would look to someone else if I got serious with anyone again. After all I’ve had 2 surgery’s, 4 kids and I had gained weight. It’s all normal & valid feelings, I was still old school though and couldn’t do the online dating thing. Plus I didn’t want to be in any other relationship ever again. That did eventually change. As I started going out with some friends to see this blues band, I had never been interested in blues before but thought ok its a night out and I have to push myself to get out now & then. Anyway we started going to see them on a regular basis & one day a couple of yrs down the road after my Hubby had passed. The bass player from the band & I clicked. I think it worked for a few reasons. I was familiar with the band by now, we had gotten to know them & I think I felt safe plus the base player was the exact opposite of my hubby. Hubby was clean shaven, suit and tie business man type & the bass player guy looked like ZZ Top lol. I think subconsciously I went for the opposite because nobody would ever replace my husband so to go out with someone that couldn’t be anymore different I felt I wouldn’t be able to compare them to each other. I never wanted to be constantly comparing anyone I went out with to my late husband, as that wouldn’t be fair to the guy or myself, plus nobody will ever be my husband or even like him and I think that is a good thing. Anyway 8 yrs later I am still in a relationship with the bass player lol. For me I had felt that 2 yrs no sooner was a decent time to wait as I had 4 Son’s to think about, they had all left the nest, but I wanted to respect their Dad’s memory and leave a respectable length of time before I had started to even think about dating again. That was what worked for me anyway 🙂 And here I am. I still miss my husband terribly & some days worse than others, or something will trigger me off like a song or going to a place that I hadn’t been too since he died. But it does get easier. Ok sorry lol, I didn’t think I was going to go on so long but there you go 🙂

    #9646
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    At our monthly “Chicks Night Out” (which is our local widows night for social, cards and potluck) one of the younger widows asked me how to meet men and this was my advice to her: I said that first you have to get comfortable in your “own skin” because men are more drawn to women that are self efficient.

    As you travel your grief journey you will become more comfortable with the new woman you have become and that is when you are ready to date again. Your friends will want to set you up and men will be drawn to you because you have become your own person and have started to enjoy life as a single woman.

    I have several blog postings on this subject at the below link that may be of some help.

    http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/category/widows-are-you-ready-to-date/

    It’s a personal journey and we all progress at our own speed. Thank goodness we have each other for support.

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