All of your comments have resonated with me. I am deeply sorry for everyone’s loss. I also know the incredible pain and sense of being completely alone in a vastly populated universe. Despite all those people, the one person I want is no longer here. It is just too unbelievable to really comprehend. The one and only thing we have to grasp on to is hope. Like Sylvie I too read every book I could get my hands on about grief. In the beginning it helped me to read about someone else’s story and somehow removed me for just an instant of time from my own. Like Garth I write to my husband, not as often now, but on occasion. I needed to continue telling him about how our three children were faring, what they were up to, and who they were becoming. And Wendy I cannot imagine how you cope raising your sons without their father. Like so many others before you, they and you will adjust, but no one asked for this or could even imagine having to cope with something so difficult right in the middle of life.
My husband Ian died in the middle of the night from some genetic heart condition for which he had no symptoms and we were completely unaware that it existed. He was the healthiest person I know. And an amazing father to our three kids. They are suffering. Our eldest is male and was 17. It has been almost three years, and he has not been able to put any amount of effort into his studies. I’m pretty sure it must be due to depression as he was a decent student and took pride in his work all through high school. The other two are girls and were 12 and 13 when their dear dad died. I have some idea of the amount of pain they are in, but it is still too painful to talk about. I know we need to be doing that, but any time I bring it up, I cry and then they are upset. So we just carry on without any formal way of including their dad in our lives. It is not ideal, but I don’t really know how else to get by.
And Garth I understand the difficulties you have with work related issues. I have been a stay at home parent all these years our kids were growing up. It allowed Ian to focus on his work without worrying about home. You do not have that privilege. You have to do it all now which is no easy feat. I have pursued another degree since Ian’s death in order to reenter the work place. However this is proving to be more difficult than originally planned. Pretty sure some depression and lack of focus just gets in the way of really knowing how to apply myself to a job search and work life.
Anyway, that’s my story. Glad I happened on this site. It does help to reach out to strangers and write down the thoughts and concerns going through my head, and also to read about what others are going through. So thank you all for your posts. My heart goes out to all of you. Losing a spouse is absolutely heartbreaking. I had no idea. But the collateral damage is no picnic either–loss of confidence, loss of friends, loss of feeling like I am a legitimate person.
Take care, all
–Beth

Thank=you for sharing your pain. My pain started 4 months ago a Thursday evening when I came home and found my husband dead. Although it was a suicide, I am a widow at 50 with a 10 years old son and we are grieving terribly. I know life is unfair and the pain is so unbearable at time, I do not know where I find my strenght to go on. We had it all and nothing prepared me for this. With the help of friends, family and the church, keeping busy, exercise and reading just about every books on grieving I am actually surviving. You need to talk to many people, and me if you need to, we can all help one another. WE have one lfe to live only and we can chose happiness or unhapiness I chose HAPPY

Sylvia

I apologize for not sending you this note earlier, I have only logged on again to the site this afternoon due to work and the Christmas holidays which I know all to well from past experience, would have been very very difficult to celebrate. My condolences to yourself, your boys, family and friends. Sincerely!

I too know the hurt you are feeling. I cried in the shower every morning for months, wondering not only how I can possibly face the day but how can I also be my sons parent, answering any question he might have and wondering when his Mom is coming home. No one can ever feel your pain, not even myself nor any other widow or widower, our pain is individual, our own pain for we each had separate lives. I didn’t know your husband of course, nor yourself or your children. I can only share with you my experiences, my own love for my wife, the memories, the highs and lows of our marriage, our battle together with her cancer, the mental hurt and physical loss.

I really don’t like cliches Wendy, I absolutely despised everyone who told me “time heals all wounds” because everyone who shared that thought with me, were still going home to their spouse at the end of the day. I however have the ill fate of also knowing your loss and I can validate, time does heal. You will never forget Wendy, nor should you. Every anniversary and special moment once shared will hurt, the days leading up to will be as painful as the day of, this I can assure you but you can also make good of it too. The good memories far outway the bad, by leaps and bounds. My wife passed away in March 2002 and not one day has passed that I don’t think of her, I Loved her, she was my wife, the Mother of our son, she was everything to me, shared equally with my son. To this day, I still have pictures of Laurie, not too many but placed perfectly thoughout the house to share, to remember and smile when I think of her.

Time will heal Wendy, it has too as you like me have to be strong for your children, they depended on you in the past and rightfully so, will continue to depend on you now and all the tomorrows yet to come. I would suggest you find your own special way to cope with your loss, something to help you get through the day and something of benefit to you down the road. I myself visited my wifes gravesite every single day for years. In the warmer months here in Ontario, I would often take a lawnchair and sit along side her place of rest and would talk to her as if she was sitting across from me, sometimes I’d sit silent and not say a word. The one thing I did do Wendy that helped me get through time was writing a journal. I started writing to my wife the night she passed away and continued with entries any time I felt the need to write. I wrote about my day, my sleep the night before and my fear of sleeping the coming night, or lack of sleep. I’d write about my day at the office, those who upset me and those who made me smile. I wrote absoulely anything that came to my mind that I thought would serve me well on paper. In doing so Wendy, I provided myself with the benefit of knowing one day, I’ll pass these journals onto my son, to be read by no one but him and those he chooses to share my written word with.

To this day, I can go back and read every single entry and remember where I was and where I am. I have to comfort knowing, my son will read my very thought Wendy, how feeling on any given day and it is with my hope, that he will cherish those journals with as much care as I did with passion in writing them. Perhaps it’ll be a wedding present from me to him, perhaps a graduation present, I really haven’t decided yet but when I do hand them over to him, it will be special and it will provide him with a whole new understanding of me, his Mother, the events of the day passed and my devoted Love to my wife that I can only hope, he one day will find himself in Loving his own wife with as much love and intensity as I Loved Laurie.

Find something of benefit to you Wendy, of benefit today with a purpose seeing you through to tomorrow because surely, tomorrow will come.

Garth Rowe.